Lose Those Manuals and Develop Better Relationships by Mindset & Life Coach Michele Demetriou
Michele Demetriou is the founder of Michele Demetriou Coaching and is a Certified Mindset and Life Coach. She works with clients on taking them from where they currently are in their lives to the life of their dreams.
December 2020. It's here! And as we close out this unprecedented year in our lives, many of us plan to spend holiday time with loved ones either in person or on Zoom chats. And we often find ourselves becoming anxious as we prepare for this shared time with family and friends.
A tool that I use with my clients is something called the Manual. A Manual is an instruction guide of sorts that we have written in our minds about the people we love and others in our lives. The Manual is a guide—often volumes long—that states how another should act, or how they should behave, so that we can feel better and be happier. And one of the fascinating things about the Manual is that those we have written about are typically unaware that our user guide for them exists, as we rarely discuss these masterpieces with them. Of course, they should simply know what we are thinking and feeling and what our expectations are.
“The best results for you come when you let go of all your attempts and thoughts of controlling the people in your life and simply focus on yourself.”
An example of one of the many items in my Manuals for my three grown sons was that they should call me at least three times a week. I was sure if they called me three times a week, I would be happier and feel better. When I didn't hear from them, I was disappointed and let down. What I had done was given control to them for my feelings. When others don't abide by our Manuals—and they usually don't—we allow them to determine how we feel. The truth is that even if my sons had followed my Manual for them and called me three times a week, my thought was —"Oh, they love me and want to be in touch." They actually may have been calling to check it off their list until the next obligatory call, with no loving thoughts or desire to be in touch with me.
For example, you may think that your husband should help you with the shopping this year or that your sister should manage more of the holiday plans. You are confident that if your husband does the shopping or if your sister hosts the family gathering this year, that you will feel better and be happier. It simply isn't true. What your husband, or sister, or anyone in your life, does, or doesn't do, in no way controls your feelings. It is your thoughts about how they are acting or what they are doing that cause you to feel a certain way. You get to show up as the person that you most want to be, and you get to feel the way you choose to feel, regardless of their behavior. And they get to do the same. Our emotional happiness comes from what we think—not from someone else's actions.
There is nothing wrong with making requests of others as long as you realize that they do not have to comply—the no strings attached approach. The best results for you come when you let go of all your attempts and thoughts of controlling the people in your life and simply focus on yourself. When your goal is you and how you manage your reactions to how others behave, tremendous change occurs. Can you imagine how freeing this would be? Only one job—YOU!
When we let go of the Manuals in our relationships, we let those in our lives start being who they are. We allow them to show up—or not—as themselves and how they wish to behave, rather than the manipulated version of who we want them to be. In this space, we form real and authentic relationships and ones that improve in profound ways.
michele@micheledemetrioucoaching.com // micheledemetrioucoaching.com